Happy New Year!

I am in Houston spending the last night of the year with my beautiful friends! I feel guilty for leaving the family at a time like this, but maybe it was what I needed, to get away from the things I can't control. I've made my list of resolutions. I just hope 2011 is a better for us!

☮ ♥ ॐ

Last night I had an anxiety attack. For some reason whenever I have an anxiety attack I always think of calling one person. This person always calms me down and makes me feel a lot better. Last night it occurred to me that this makes me slightly dependent on other people which is a really scary thought. I decided against calling and eventually fell asleep. My goal is to find a new and productive way to channel that negative energy.

I started listening to the audio book The Essence of the Bhagavad Gita by Swami Kriyananda. I fully intend on reading the actual Bhagavad Gita, but if you have ever tried reading it you would notice that it is a really complicated and deep text. I want to be able to have the time and someone to sit with me and explain what it means. Someone older and wiser of course. I am not going to pretend that simply reading a translated copy would be enough for me to get the true meaning out of the words. For now I want to listen to his explanation and pick up some deeper meaning to my life. One thing that he wrote really stood out to me. He uses a bar magnet in an analogy. A bar magnet has molecules that face in a single direction creating a north/south polarity. People have magnetism creating an attraction or a repulsion to other people. When many magnets are turned every which way they cancel each other out. Many magnets together pointed in the same direction create magnetic power. When people say they try to be good, but they sometimes fail. He says that you need the population around you to support you in order to be successful in your endeavors. The good thing about attracting enough people to the greater good is that eventually more people will conform furthering you in your spiritual growth.

Anyways, his voice is calming and I find a lot of inspiration in it. The list of things I want to accomplish this semester/year is for sure going to have something about getting closer to God. This is a good definition of Hinduism: a body of religious and philosophical beliefs and cultural practices native to India and based on a caste system; it is characterized by a belief in reincarnation, by a belief in a supreme being of many forms and natures, by the view that opposing theories are aspects of one eternal truth, and by a desire for liberation from earthly evils. I love that Hinduism isn't a religion so much as a philosophy of life. Call me foolish, but I was driven to tears today and I asked my mom how I get a guru. I feel so distant and awful because of the thought that I'm not as religious as I would like to be. She said to me that I am too young and when she was my age she didn't have a guru yet. She told me a girl should wait until she is married to devote herself to a guru because her new family might be devoted to a different guru. I see the flaws in this plan, but I don't feel so awful thinking I'm on the wrong path to God. I idolize my mom for her devotion. She believes with her whole heart that God has a plan for her. I believe the same. This year I want to chant my mantra that I was given years ago, but with more commitment and using a Mala. I also want meditate. Of course I want to do more research on the meditation, but I think it would be a good way the learn to channel my energy and find clarity.
☮♥ॐ... I think I must have been a hippie in another life.

No Words.

I have no words for this. How did we get in this deep? He wouldn't tell me what was going on, but all I hear now is that something has to happen or we lose. We lose everything. How am I supposed to sleep tonight? I'm praying for a miracle.

PetSmart Animal Cruelty

Today I decided to explore the PETA website. I am surprised that I have never done it before now. The site is really interesting. It has stuff about animal cruelty, brands and products that test on animals, designers who use fur, and even information on going vegan/ vegetarian.

I stumbled across a section where PETA is pleading to its followers not to shop at PetSmart until they take action in response to the discovery of animal cruelty. I love animals, but I was never allowed to have anything but fish. When I go to get a new Beta fish I always think to go to PetSmart. Did you know that the supplier that ships the beta fish to PetSmart packs them into tiny plastic bags with barely enough water for the fish to live. I watched these two videos that came with the article and I am horrified! I'm sorry PetSmart, but you just lost a loyal customer. I don't want to bring the mood down, but I think this is important enough to spread the word. Please watch this video. I'm not going to post the video about the  baby Giffin's cockatoo. I was even more horrified, but feel free to click on the link if you are curious. Also, visit the PETA website.

here is a video about the supplier:

Wrong in All the Right Ways

I absolutely love this video! Pink is crazy as hell, but this is just genius!
At the beginning there is a "big" girl saying I'll eat because there's no sense in trying to be that unrealistic cardboard cutout everyone wants me to be. To me this video says why try to fit the stereo type, just be you. Raise your glass to being different. Here's to the underdogs! I've spent my entire life trying to be "cool" worrying about what other people think. Its not even that I was trying to stand out, but just fit in. I hated standing out. I used to wish I could blend into the walls. Oh God does it feel good to be who I am and not "give a shit." It took me a while to realize it, but someone will love me for who I am, so why try to fight it? I would only be unhappy pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm not that same shy little girl who started college at UNT three years ago. I'm not afraid to be wild and crazy! I don't care if I stand out. I found that more people like me when I'm myself anyways. I have always loved everyone else, but I couldn't love myself. I've heard that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I'm a really good person, at least I think I am, so why shouldn't I love myself? I do now! I LOVE MYSELF! I have grown so much this semester, and I am ready to be back at school and with the people who understand where I'm coming from. It's not that I don't love my family or that I don't want to be around them, but I am looking forward to the new semester/ fresh start.

So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways
All my underdogs, we will never be, never be
Anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on, and come on, and
Raise your glass
Just come on and come and
Raise Your Glass!

Expendables

I just finished watching the Expendables with my daddio. The story line was half decent, and the movie was full of big shot actors like Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, and even briefly Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwartzenegger. All I can say is bad acting. These guys are so legendary, but I don't know if its all of them put together or what that made the movie so cheesy. I'm my daddy's girl, so I am a big fan of action movies. The only thing that made this movie look cool was the gory blood splatter. The trailer looks awesome! Maybe I'm just tired,so it's not cutting it for me. night!

Merry Christmas!

I had a very merry Christmas. I spent the day with family. I love seeing all of my nieces and nephews :) They're so cute, and it just amazes me how fast they grow up. The most amazing thing about little kids is that it only takes a little thing to amuse them. I love the simpler things in life, but nowadays its either keep up with technology or get left behind. Speaking of technology, my brother finally upgraded my laptop to Windows 7. It's so much faster! All I can say is good riddens to Vista! 

You know what made my day? Usually when my family gets together I get told that I should try to lose some weight and watch what I eat. I even get advice on how much to eat and that I should exercise more often. This time I got a lot of  "did you lose weight?." I can't tell you how good that makes me feel. I'm not gonna let it get to my head because I know I can afford to lose more, and I plan on it. For now I'm just trying not to gain it back during this holiday season. It's a lot easier watching what I eat with crappy dinning hall food. There's nothing like home cooked food. For dinner I had some amazing Thai food. There are some really good cooks in my family :)

I'm so ready for New Years in Houston! Only 5 more days until I'm reunited with my girls!

30 Things About Me

I was tagged in a Facebook note a while back, and I was too busy at the time to do this.
write a note with 30 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1. I love Nerds! I want to marry a Nerd! I'm not talking about pocket protector nerd. I just want the guy to be passionate about something, to be quirky. In my experience nerds are usually more respectful to girls. I just want a nice guy :)
2. I'm a germ freak, but I'm getting better. Mostly I try really hard not to get sick.
3. I always have to have my nails painted. I finally painted them today! it was so hard to do it when I had my stitches in.
4. I'm a people pleaser. I care too much about what other people think, but I've been working on that. I said to a friend that I don't give a shit anymore, but he said that I do. I know that I do, but if you would have seen me a year ago... I'm not the same person.
5. I'm a vegetarian, and I always have been. Its for religious reasons, and the whole idea is so gross to me. My body wouldn't be able to handle it anyways.
6. I'm married to my roommate Taylor. We live together, we work together, and we have most of the same friends so we hang out a lot too. You would think that we would be annoyed of each other by now, but we haven't had a single fight the entire semester. It's in my personality that if I have a problem with you, I will tell you. You might get mad at me for about 5 minutes, but you'll get over it. If you don't address it, it'll only get worse than it should be.
7. I grew up with a very low self-esteem, but I've really come out of my shell. I think that living in Bruce had a lot to do with that. I feel like the people surrounding me have really helped me to find myself. I'm a lot stronger because of them.
8. I live by the philosophy of No Regrets! Be A Man! :)
9. I've been seen as a goody two shoes, and lately quite the opposite. I'm on neither end of the spectrum. There's nothing I wouldn't try once... that was a joke. I have my boundaries and I intend on keeping them.
10. My major is Accounting. I plan on graduating with a MS/BS in Accounting and a B/BA, bachelor is business administration. I want to be a CPA, but I still have about three more years with grad school.
11. I have a nervous habit where I have to always be moving. I can't sit still without shaking my leg or rocking ever so slightly.
12. I fold my toilet paper instead of wadding it. I recently found out that I'm not the only one who does that.
13. I am extremely clumsy. =[
14. My biggest fear is losing the people closest to me.
15. I love kids! I want to have at least two.
16. My biggest inspiration was my grandfather on my mother's side. He was such a loving person. He would make everyone feel special. I want to be just like that.
17. I don't hold grudges. There is only one person in the world that I hate and he rightfully deserves it.
18. I would do anything for my close friends. If someone hurts any one of them don't expect me to stand there and let it happen.
19. I love learning new crafts especially anything to do with fibers. I am a fast learner when it comes to things like that.
20. My family means the world to me. I wouldn't be where I am today without them.
21. I am really girly. I love to dress up and do my hair and makeup. I believe when you look better you feel better.
22. My biggest weakness is that I sometimes care too much about people. It gets to the point where it hurts me to see my friends upset.
23. I have a habit of finding friends in the most unusual places, but a lot of these people become my closest friends.
24. I put my heart into the things I do, so I have to see them all the way through.
25. I believe that no one can bring me down unless I let them.
26. I like asking people what they think about things. It's always find it interesting to see things through another person's eyes. I try to keep an open mind.
27. Every time I hear sirens I pray in my head "God bless anyone who is in trouble or in need." I have been doing it for years.
28. I'm am definitely daddy's girl. I love going to the movies and doing things with him.
29. People like to make fun of how I say drawer. I say it draw-er instead of dror. I looked it up and its acceptable to say it either way so ha!
30. I think this is way too much talking about myself... goodnight :)

Don't do it again!!!

I hate it when people ask me what happened to my hand and then say "you should be more careful" or my favorite "don't do it again!"' Really??? I was planning on doing this again next week. Yeah, I like hurting myself. I'm clumsy and I am fully aware of it. I try to be careful, but shit happens! I got a call from my aunt the other day for my mom, and when I said she wasn't there she starts giving me this lecture. She starts telling me how I'm too old to cut myself. Her grandchildren who are toddlers can hurt themselves, but I should know better because I'm not a baby anymore. Yeah thanks... I get it! Its been 10 days, so I took the stitches out. Yeah that's right, I took them out myself. It was hard enough letting my dad cut them, I couldn't bare to let him pull them out too. I still have to be careful because instead of stitches I have holes in my fingers. It's a lovely sight.

The worst part of it all is the fact that I can't do all of the girly things I want to. Like painting my nails, its driving me nuts that I cant cut or paint them. My hair look terrible! I just want it to get back to normal already! My fingers are so stiff from not bending them for 10 days. Whatever, I need to stop whining!

I realized today that I'm happy. There's nothing really bringing me down. The way I see it is that nothing can bring you down unless you let it. I love my friends, I love my family, and the rest is up to God. I just want everyone to be safe and happy. There is nothing that I want more than that. I'm so lucky to have people in my life who are so loving and sincere towards me. To me, you don't have to be blood for me to consider you my family. I don't use that loosely either. There are actually very few people that I would take from  friend to family. There are a few people that have changed my life or at least the way I see it, and I can only hope my existence has done the same.  If I haven't told them that, someday I will. There are those people who once meant so much to you and you spent so much time with them, but you just grow apart. I know people from my past will always be apart of my future because they have made a difference in my life. These people have molded me into who I am, and even that is always changing, but no change wipes your personality clean. I try to take every experience and learn from it. No matter how horrible or out of the ordinary something is, there is always a learning opportunity.

I know this is starting to sound like an essay, but what I haven't told you is that I write this blog for myself. I put my thoughts into words and it forces me to think about how I feel and maybe someday remember how I felt.

Take this holiday season to tell the people around you how much they mean to you. I love you for reading! Until next time....

Dolce Ferniente

Dolce Ferniente... the sweetness of doing nothing. I watched Eat Pray Love today for the third time in less than a week. There are so many things that she says that I can relate to or at least understand where she's coming from. Did you know that Julia Roberts converted to Hinduism after filming the movie. That's so cool to me. This whole break thing is kind of sucking with stitches, but I will have them out tomorrow. Where are you friends? Come rescue me! I need to get out of the hotel. I finally have a day off tomorrow, but since its so close to Christmas everyone is either working, out of town, or spending time with family. My family doesn't really celebrate Christmas anymore. In fact, I'll probably be working at the hotel. I freaking hate my laptop! its so slow and I can't connect to the internet at my house. My brother is finally going to reformat it for me tomorrow after I delt with this crap for a whole semester. I am actually writing this on my phone Ugh! Son of a bitch! I give up! Night.

There's a snake in my boot

Today was pretty much a lazy day for me. I have been at the hotel since last night and its so boring! I had a Toy Story movie marathon of my own. I finally saw the third one and I love it! My brother has all of them on Blu-Ray and DVD. You know what's really cool? The third movie also came with a digital copy so you can play it on your iPod. I think they should all just come like that. It's so much more convenient lol. I am finally allowed to take my stitches out, but my brother told me I should wait the full 10 days. I guess I should  listen to him since he's the one cutting them out for me. It's his 23rd birthday tomorrow! Happy Birthday donkey!

Recently a friend exposed me to the world of Dubstep. I have heard it before, but I'm just now getting into it. There are some pretty sweet Bollywood ones. You should have seen this guy when he showed me this one.

 This one isn't as cool, but I still like it...

I love it when people show interest in Bollywood movies and Indian stuff, especially if they're not Indian. It makes me happy because they usually appreciate it more. I guess because the whole Bollywood thing is a foreign concept. I have to have my Bollywood nights more often next semester. I swear every time I come home my parents have like two new movies. I'm so behind, but I'm working night shift again so this will be my second one today. The only thing that makes it hard to watch so many is the fact that they're all like three hours long. I actually prefer watching the older Bollywood movies from the 90's. I feel like the newer ones are getting so complicated and even depressing. The one I watched earlier was about euthanasia. I want the traditional sappy love story with a song and dance every 15 minutes.

Do I look Preggo to you? don't answer that!!

I am entirely too tired tonight, but I swore to myself that I would do this everyday...

Today I had my doctor's appointment which is always a little scary. I went in for some blood tests and to talk about getting a new prescription for a different brand and maybe a lower dose. I hate going in and sitting in the waiting room. All of the pregnant women are older and married and are where I would want to be at that age, starting a family. Maybe it's in my head, but I feel like they send me judging looks. Do you ever look at the people around you and think about their story? Well, I feel like they are thinking I'm a bad teenager, but HELLO I'm not preggers. Oh haha I'm not a teenager anymore! I did however find out that this semester I lost 18 pounds. Yes, it's a good thing! After spending a majority of the semester nauseous and unable to eat I kind of suspected I lost some weight, but I wasn't expecting this much. It's all good though, when I went in she put me on a lower dose. We will see how it works.

Rent-a-cops! My daddy was driving as we were leaving Walmart, and there is a really bad traffic flow problem, so he cut across a row of the parking lot. There was a security guard driving in that lane and when he saw us coming he didn't slow down, but actually sped up and then slammed the brakes next to us. He got mad and shined his flashlight at us through his windshield. I was cracking up so hard! OMG a flashlight I'm so afraid of your rent-a-cop ass. Yeah I know we're not supposed to cut across a parking lot, but come on who hasn't done that?

Shout out to my husband Taylor Camp for getting into the Design program at UNT. She worked so hard on that portfolio, but I knew she would make it. I can't wait to go to Houston and celebrate with her! Okay world I am off to bed! Sweet dreams!

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Today I turned 20. Today is the day I said goodbye to my teenage years and hello to grown-up 20's. Am I supposed to feel grown up? Am I supposed to be wiser? Someone told me 20 is like a waiting room for 21. Waiting room for what? I'm not really waiting. I am dedicating this year to exploring things I have never done, rebelling a little because God knows I've stayed on the safe side compared to most teenagers. My list of things to do by the end of the semester will be made and I will try my best to cross them all off. Taylor, it will happen for us this time :)

My birthday turned out to be pretty awesome! I went shopping and bought a pair of gorgeous brown suede boots with birthday money from Dad. My sister bought me a black cross strap Steve Madden purse with a rose on the outside. After the mall I went to Studio Movie Grill with the sister and saw Unstoppable with Denzel Washington and Chis Pine. Chris Pine... drool. So hot!

Anyways, its seriously a good movie. I would recommend it. Afterward, I went home and took like a two hour nap. I also had dinner at Olive Garden with the beautiful Hanna. I love my Hanny! I can't wait for our road trip to Houston for  New Years! I actually made hotel reservations for a suite for 3 nights. It didn't seem real until now. Oh and I have a freaking doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon. I hate them, but I've been needing to go. See I'm already making better decisions. I think 20 is gonna be a good year for me :)

Maybe I'll be wiser in my 20's :)

I've been wanting to get back into writing for a while now, but just haven't had the time or the motivation. Mostly I just want to put my thoughts out there, because some of the craziness that goes on in my mind is just too funny not to share. So here is to my last day as a teenager!!!

Let me tell you how ridiculous it is that I am typing this blog with 8 fingers. Why am I so damn clumsy? Monday I was studying for hours and hours and decided to finally take a break and grab some food.  I went to my room and tried to open a can of Spaghetti O's with my roommate's left handed can opener . I sliced the top of my index and middle fingers of my right hand really bad. Uh-oh Spaghetti O's! It happened so fast that when I looked at my left hand and saw a puddle of red I had to think if it was spaghetti sauce or blood. It was most definitely blood. I ran to the sink and rinsed my left hand off and then looked at my right hand and I knew right away I was going to have to get stitches. I got so dizzy that I walked a couple of circles around my room before I realized that I didn't want to pass out in there by myself. I walked towards the front desk of my dorm and made it halfway there still panicking and trying not to pass out before a random guy grabbed me around the waist and walked me there yelling for Gabe, who was the RA working desk at the time. I remember a few of the people who were around me at the time and they were all so very nice and took care of me. Gabe wrapped my fingers up with gauze. They were kind of panicking too and my first instinct was to say "Just call Adam, someone call Adam." For those of you who don't know, Adam is an RA at Bruce... wait noo he is graduating today... he was an RA. I'm going to miss him so much! I think of him like an older brother.

Adam took me to the ER at Denton Presbyterian, but if he had his way they would have fixed me up at the maternity ward where he took me first. I saw "Women's Center" on the outside of the building when we parked but you have to know I wasn't in the right mind. I even remember saying " Adam it feels like being drunk, but my hand is bleeding." He was so sweet for talking to me and just taking my mind off of it, you could say we bonded over my blood :) I guess the shock kept me from feeling anything until the PA put about four shots into each of my cuts to numb it. She warned me it would be a pinch and then it will burn... oh God did it burn! I ended up with 7 stitches and a few anxiety attacks later that night. I had a sweet friend clean the blood that was all over my room and another friend tuck me into bed. I didn't find out until the next day, but two guys that live in my dorm spent about and hour cleaning my blood from the hallway to the front the desk. Who does that? I feel so loved and so STUPID at the same time. I shouldn't say that, a sweet sweet friend of mine would say "you're not stupid, you say that way too much!" I know I'm not stupid I'm actually a bit of a nerd, but sometimes I just do stupid things.

Anyways, that was my last disaster/adventure as a teenager. I took a multiple choice exam with my left hand and had to get another final postponed until January. I only took one final, I feel like I cheated my way out this semester. Oh ya, guess what I got myself for my birthday... 7 stitches! If anyone asks, tell them I got into a knife fight with my roommate ;)