☮ ♥ ॐ

Last night I had an anxiety attack. For some reason whenever I have an anxiety attack I always think of calling one person. This person always calms me down and makes me feel a lot better. Last night it occurred to me that this makes me slightly dependent on other people which is a really scary thought. I decided against calling and eventually fell asleep. My goal is to find a new and productive way to channel that negative energy.

I started listening to the audio book The Essence of the Bhagavad Gita by Swami Kriyananda. I fully intend on reading the actual Bhagavad Gita, but if you have ever tried reading it you would notice that it is a really complicated and deep text. I want to be able to have the time and someone to sit with me and explain what it means. Someone older and wiser of course. I am not going to pretend that simply reading a translated copy would be enough for me to get the true meaning out of the words. For now I want to listen to his explanation and pick up some deeper meaning to my life. One thing that he wrote really stood out to me. He uses a bar magnet in an analogy. A bar magnet has molecules that face in a single direction creating a north/south polarity. People have magnetism creating an attraction or a repulsion to other people. When many magnets are turned every which way they cancel each other out. Many magnets together pointed in the same direction create magnetic power. When people say they try to be good, but they sometimes fail. He says that you need the population around you to support you in order to be successful in your endeavors. The good thing about attracting enough people to the greater good is that eventually more people will conform furthering you in your spiritual growth.

Anyways, his voice is calming and I find a lot of inspiration in it. The list of things I want to accomplish this semester/year is for sure going to have something about getting closer to God. This is a good definition of Hinduism: a body of religious and philosophical beliefs and cultural practices native to India and based on a caste system; it is characterized by a belief in reincarnation, by a belief in a supreme being of many forms and natures, by the view that opposing theories are aspects of one eternal truth, and by a desire for liberation from earthly evils. I love that Hinduism isn't a religion so much as a philosophy of life. Call me foolish, but I was driven to tears today and I asked my mom how I get a guru. I feel so distant and awful because of the thought that I'm not as religious as I would like to be. She said to me that I am too young and when she was my age she didn't have a guru yet. She told me a girl should wait until she is married to devote herself to a guru because her new family might be devoted to a different guru. I see the flaws in this plan, but I don't feel so awful thinking I'm on the wrong path to God. I idolize my mom for her devotion. She believes with her whole heart that God has a plan for her. I believe the same. This year I want to chant my mantra that I was given years ago, but with more commitment and using a Mala. I also want meditate. Of course I want to do more research on the meditation, but I think it would be a good way the learn to channel my energy and find clarity.
☮♥ॐ... I think I must have been a hippie in another life.